Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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