Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
