she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
