if you like me you must not know who I am
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
