Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
