there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
