Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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