I wish my penis had an off switch
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
