he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize