garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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