There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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