The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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