hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Randomize
