Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
