she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize