the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
