Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
