she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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