Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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