i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
