how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
