i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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