Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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