Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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