i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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