im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
