Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
