All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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