dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
