I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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