Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
