He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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