turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
