How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
How does one acquire holy water?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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