that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
My ATM looks so different sober.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize