I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
