I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
