We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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