seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
