so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
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