i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
