Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
