do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
