watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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