Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize