your parents love me but you hate me
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
