I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
