well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
