i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I deserve this hangover.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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