Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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