there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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