Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I want to be your penis for a week.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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