Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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