He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
