i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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