I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
